The Fatigue of Showing Up Everyday (a short story about boats & trains)

I’ve had it. I’m done.

I think it’s safe to say we’re all in the same boat. A dilapidated, diseased ridden, slowly sinking boat. The boat we’ve been trying to pretend isn’t really a boat but attempting to convince ourselves daily, it’s a yacht. And we’re off a tropical island sunning ourselves on the deck. We think …no we’ve been trained to believe it’s better for us to deny the reality of what’s in front of our face rather than give in to the raw emotion. It makes us feel better to pretend life looks the same. Our daily thoughts, dreams, and interactions. Still grinding, getting the same return on our efforts, and still finding meaning in the little things. EVERYTHING IS BUSINESS AS USUAL.

Except it’s not. We’re tired. Mostly of trying to believe in something that’s not really there. That hustle and bustle we’ve been fed our entire “busy” lives of getting up, getting ready for work, and grinding until the evening was yanked out from under us and left us questioning everything. There’s no denying…the world. came. to. a. halt. The noisy train (yes it was a boat, now it’s a train!) came to a blunt, stark stop and we were left grasping at handles, walls, and the backs of seats to brace ourselves. But our efforts were futile and we fell. All of us. Falling at different speeds and from varying heights but in the end, we all fell.

But then we did dust ourselves off, immediately grabbed our phones, and tried to play it cool as if nothing had happened…our head wasn’t throbbing from the fall and our hand wasn’t bleeding. Moments later, the conductor came on and informed all of us the train was no longer headed to our stop and in fact, we would all be staying put for a while. How long? Not sure. We continued to look down at our phones, now for some sort of answer or guidance. But the phones just repeated back what the conductor said. Soon, the phones would share devastating information with us about how the train may never move again…or would it? Hmmm, a flurry of articles began to hit our phones with conflicting opinions. Many ON the train began to argue about when the train would move, how serious the engine problems were, and who could actually get off and when.

It became an emotional tinder box. Full of confusion, frustration, desperation, and void of hope, ambition, and empathy. Some escaped through windows and began graffiti-ing the outside of the train and demanding through chanting the conductor fix the engine. They set fires on the tracks and destroyed some of the cargo cars. This was extremely upsetting to everyone still inside who then began to argue with each other! Spewing the nastiest insults they could imagine. Sides were created based on beliefs and opinions. If you thought red was the greatest color, you moved you and your belongings to the right side of the train. If you thought blue was best, you were on the left. Everyday an argument ensued inside the train about why one side was better than the other. The arguments became louder and louder and the lies became more and more sensational. Every day, the inside arguments and every night, the outside vandalism and destruction. It felt as if the world was burning. BUT….ALL THE WHILE- bosses still called, deadlines still loomed and there was work that needed to be done. So everyone on that train went into survival mode, pretending everything was “normal” and continuing to work. Meanwhile, amidst the constant turmoil, deep inside they couldn’t shake true human emotions…. they missed their loved ones, they missed the human connection of meeting someone for coffee, they missed getting outside and taking their dog to the park …they were stuck on a train going nowhere. For months.

Spring and Summer came and went….still on the train. The passengers continued to work and live but still pretending and trying to push those human emotions down or completely out while destruction inside and outside carried on.

Fall arrived and somehow the children had to start school on the train. They made do, but it wasn’t the same. The inside of the train was starting to deteriorate. The leather on the seats was waring, the air was stale, the lights that were still working hung dimly. The parents tried to muster up excitement and motivation for this new school environment but the kids could see right through it. As they were tired of sitting on the train without their friends and after school activities. They had had enough. When would this end? They continually asked their parents…who just shrugged their shoulders. No one had answers. So the kids tried their best to learn and stay engaged in this new way of school but ultimately as with any emotionally adept human, they read the room and couldn’t help but feel and absorb the sadness in the air.

The parents continued to put on a show for the kids while juggling the demands of their own jobs and households. As I write this today, the train still hasn’t moved. The country (train) divide, the vandalism, and the terror of the unknown still continue. But you are rising with your alarm clock, finishing that presentation, having fully attentive, educated, and professional conversations with clients and colleagues.

YOU, ME, WE are exhausted. When do we all universally recognize what’s happening? Do your work. Have your child learn virtually….but let’s call it what it is. Let’s understand that our learning, working, and living feels different, looks different and BOTTOM LINE IS overall different.

I’m tired of faking it. I’m tired of pretending that working on a presentation doesn’t take more out of me than it did pre-covid. Because it does. My kids are having a hell of a time trying to consistently pay attention on zoom calls holed up in their bedrooms for hours on end. I DON’T BLAME THEM. I would not wish that on anyone. Their grades are slipping. Teachers are struggling too. Let’s cut everyone slack- TOGETHER. Again, let’s call it what it is. There’s a percentage of my brain that’s now dedicated to covid updates, the political shit storm, and my family’s financial future that did not exist before. There’s a percentage of my day that’s now dedicated to what I can mentally, emotionally, and/or physically do for myself so I don’t feel like I’m slipping into a depression- that’s also new.

My mind is occupied with other thoughts, tasks, distractions that are helping me survive. Pre-covid I would grind and bleed for work. I would stay up late just to finish a project. Right now, I sometimes feel I need a funny story or tv show or good conversation to provide that serotonin boost before I can get started for the day. The rev up is much longer than it used to be. AND THAT SHOULD BE OK!

If I’m feeling this, I know you are too.

Let’s. Call. It. What. It. Is.

So what is it? It’s different. It’s hard. It’s exhausting. It’s NOT THE SAME. It’s a roller coaster of emotions. It’s work just to navigate daily through our lives. And BECAUSE this is what it is. We need to accept it and live accordingly.

We may not be able to get everyone around us to acknowledge this struggle but at least start with you. Cut yourself slack. Give yourself room to feel and validate those feelings. They are real. We’ve made it this far and it hasn’t been easy. Let yourself move slower, make room in your mind for self-soothing, repair, and time. Give yourself more breaks throughout the day. Find something outside of work and your daily tasks to look forward to.

Then move on to your children and family. Give them room to breathe and feel. Acknowledge their struggle. Allow them to just be.

Be the unconditional security blanket you and your family need right now.

We will get through this. It’s true. But why not look back several years from now and remember the one thing you gave yourself and the world during this time was grace.